are you the now or never kind

where am i?

am I really on earth? is this really my life? is it really the heartbreak i never wanted it to be?

Sure, I have a wonderful boyfriend, awesome friends, and music. but what about my family? My family is in a depressed slump. Its like we're waiting for a bomb to go off and we don't know how much time is on the damn clock. It didn't hit me until last night, the horrible and most unbelievably real truth

my grandmother is dying.

I had confidence...before I found out that she can't get any kind of therapy whatsoever for her cancer. So...she's basically condemned to death. And if we made her take therapy, we'd basically be making it utterly worse for her. So there is no way out. No way.

And if any of you says "she's old she was gonna die anyway" i'll rip your throats out.

i dont' CARE if it's her time. this is the time in my life when i realize that death is just a part of life. and let me tell you something. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm not ready to really accept this fact. people are telling me "just enjoy the time you have left with her." "jsut be thankful for what you have." "just try to smile."

all sentances that start with just. usually sentences that start with just are so final. so...straightforward. like death. basically "just enjoy the time you have left with her" means to me "just act like nothing's wrong and go on like you don't care that she's dying". I am thankful for what i have, but i can't accept that i'm going to lose a very important PART of what i have. the thing about my grandparents is they seem to be the most important people in my family. everyone goes to them for everything. Everyone stays at THEIR house when they visit. they just seem to be the people we all depend on.

I've never seen my grandfather so glum. He's trying his hardest to help her...while also trying not to cry. That's how i was. I was thinking "now her brain surgery is done, she can get back to chemo and beat cancer's ass again." then mom told me she wont' be able to have chemo. she won't beat cancer again. It's going to beat her.

And you can tell it is. She can't do the things she used to. She can't talk much or walk very well. You can SEE the pain in her eyes. You can tell she knows what's going to happen. How am i supposed to enjoy my last days with her knowing that she's still suffering? And no one seems to be making an effort to do something to make her happier. just COMFORTABLE. I have heard the word COMFORTABLE so many times in the past few weeks it makes me UNcomfortable. "we need to make her comfortable." "She needs to be comfortable." "Try to make her comfortable."

How about HAPPY!? Or at least get her out. Get her out of her house for a while, take her to see a movie or something! have her be HAPPY and COMFORTABLE at the same time. Instead of cooped up in her house her last days. at least do something nice besides buy her flowers. she's got so many bouquets of flowers you could plant a fucking eight acre garden! FUCK what the nurses say, they dont' KNOW my grandma. The next time one of them says something like "please step away" i will literally say "FUCK OFF she's MY grandma not yours."

I have HAD it with people trying to protect me from her. I have HAD ti with people hiding things from me about her. I have HAD it with all of the so called "just try to be happy" I want to at least make her happy. Without someone saying "no dont' do that." FUCK IT ALL! I just wantto make her happy without beingheld back. I want to make her last days happy instead of me pretending there's nothing wrong when i'm with her.

But they won't let me. and I know it. I've tried. I've found out it's USELESS to try.

I don't like the fact that losing someone is such...a PART OF LIFE. I'm sick of learning this lesson. I'm sick of feeling this heartbreak. I've lsot so many people in the past year it's insane. I lost Jonathan Perez, I lost Crystal, I lost Matt, I lost My John, I don't want to feel ANY kind of loss, whether it's not being somoene's friend anymore or they've died. I'm sick of this I just want to run away from here. Run.

I've had that impulse so many times for quite a while. where do i want to run you ask? Anywhere. Rees' house in phoenix, Meghan's house up in the mountains, Charles' arms so they can hold me tight and tell me it'll be ok. At least leave tear stains on welcome shoulders instead of my pillow at night. I've been so stressed out over this. School, Band. Everything is driving me insane and I want nothin more than to disappear for at least a week and not come out.

Don't be fooled by the smiles you'll see me wear at school or in public, because behind my bedroom door i'll be laying down on my bed holding back until i know i'm completely alone so ican just scream, just CRY. It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

I am angry. I am sad. I am everything opposite of happiness right now. I said my life was perfect and complete. But now, my puzzle is starting to lose a piece.

and nothing will be able to ever fill it up again.

NO one can replace her. And if anyone tried, i'd kick their ass.

I may have a wonderful boyfriend who makes me happier than any other man ever has. I may have the best friends in the entire world.

But be that as it may.

Behind the smiles i have when i'm with them

i'm crying.

love

nikki

and this is how it ends